my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
