I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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