fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A+ Viking dick
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
