Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
