Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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