bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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