Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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