Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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