The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize