Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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