Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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