Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
