I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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