I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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