you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
