who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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