I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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