if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
