Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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