Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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