bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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