I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
