I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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