Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
