Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You need a sexual gate keeper
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
