I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we made out on top of his cat.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
