We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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