im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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