I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
