Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize