the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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