The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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