pedialite and red bull = repair kit
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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