Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
