i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
