can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
