....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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