I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He has the fingertips of a God
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
