and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
