Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
