Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
