Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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