the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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