no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
