If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
