i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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