I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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