We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
