and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
