think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
