I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
