What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
