Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
