dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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